1. Babies can fly
If you decide to show-up ill equipped for the worst case scenario, it’s not the babies fault it can’t sleep for 5-10 hours straight without getting hungry or pooping itself.
My tools of choice: Nixon “The Jam” earbud style headphones, Earplugs
2. Your precious feet
Taking your shoes off is a must, let those b**ches breathe. If you’re planning on going somewhere hot, get flip flops on those pasty white feet from the get-go. Even if there is snow on the ground you’re going from house to car/taxi to heated airport. Represent the fact you’re going somewhere you can rock those flops 24/7. If you’re going somewhere like NYC like I am at the moment, ensure those stylish yet comfy shoes are ready tobe kicked off upon sitting down.
Weapon(s) of choice: Sanuks: “Sidewalk Surfers” or “Beer Cozy” sandals
3.Be a creep or a pirate
You may ask yourself, it’s not fucking sunny out so why has that creep been wearing shades for the entire flight. Because they’re waaay ahead of you. Flying is an art form and between battling for arm space and wrangling with the flight attendant to keep your phone and headphones on pre take-off and post landing, you need the upper hand my friend. The less light the better, it’s easier to sleep, you can also keep your eye on everything from people watching to stewardess dodging and lastly, if you don’t feel like conversing with chatty Cathy or Jimmy trying to get your phone number, they’ll never know if you’re actually sleeping or not.
Tools of choice: SPY Fold and for serious sleepers I strongly recommend an eye mask.
4.El Musica
Heading out for a flight without a playlist pre-programmed into your iPod or iPhone is a sin. How are you going to let the sweet vibes of Tribe Called Quest coach you to sleep if you haven’t got it pre-loaded? Come packing heat.
5.Snack attack
The flight cost you a decent chunk of change and now you’re going to boycott the food for purchase? I used to be upset about how food was no longer free on flights, like it was in the good ol days. Then I thought about how often an $7 pint is a non-issue, so why starve yourself over spite of what used to be, you’re the one who’ll end up on the shortbus. Go for it, you’re always on vacay when you’re up in the air. Life’s better up here, enjoy it.
6.Drink up
Did I mention you’re on vacay, it’s sunny out up here. Let the drinks of choice flow and eventually put you to sleep. My personal choice is a dirty gin ceaser, followed by a cold cerveza and a nap. If I still can’t get to sleep after that for whatever reason a stiff scotch on the rocks, or two, will do the trick.
7.Drugs are your friend
Gravol, prescription sleeping pills, something that starts with V and sounds like stallion, you name it. They’re all great for those long haul flights. You can only watch so many movies. If you’re a light sleeper I recommend seeking out a prescription of so and so. If you’re just looking for some Zzz’s, the over the counters will do the trick. And no don’t double down on item 6 and 7, it’s one or the other 
Tools of choice (use at your own risk): Prescription Over the counter – extra strength gravol or 1 nightquil tablet. Back pain, one robax platinum.
8.Climate Control
A housecoat turned backwards is a million dollar idea. Pack a nice lightweight hoodie, Billabong makes some gems, and you can be a millionaire too. Use it as a blanket, put it on backwards and catch those much needed zzz’s. It’s not too often you get off the plane and don’t have a million different things coming at you. You’re not going to be getting those same perfect sleeps like you get at home, so stay calm and sleep on.
9.Shake and Bake
A wise man from talladega nights once said, “if you’re not in first you’re in last”…
Always be one of the first travellers to board. They’ll call business class (not you or me), pre-boarding for kids and those that need special assistance, and then no matter what they say after that, that’s you. Row X is now boarding, it doesn’t matter what row they’re calling, that’s you and they’ll take you as long as you have your ID out and greet them with a great big smile. 100+ times and counting without getting turned away. 101 was this morning and I tried to pre-board with the kids and got turned down. The key is to be almost at the front of the line, let those who are actually going to approach to board go ahead of you, and you’ll feel like a true gentlemen, “no you go ahead” again with a smile and you’ll be the first to board. Why, you may still be asking? Moving onto #10…
10.Mi Casa Su Casa
If you haven’t already noticed the trend of people bringing on the equivalent of gear you’d bring for an around the world trip rammed into their oversized carry-on, well, those are the ones who are going to take up all your precious space. Your jacket and your daypack have the same rights as those oversized suitcases, you all paid entrance to ride the same ride. Since you were the first to board, you’ve got all the overhead space in the world to choose from. Your bag will be safe from a jammer (someone who will try to ram their suitcase in with yours and potentially crush or give your electronics a couple nice wacks) if it’s on the left or right of the overhead compartment. If on the off chance someone has the nerve to ask you to put your daypack or jacket under your seat because they feel their oversized monster bag is more important than your daypack, just kindly say “no thanks, I really need my leg space”. They boarded late, they’re in last and the stewardess will always find room or gate check their bag for them. And always, if the opportunity presents itself, help the elderly by throwing their bag up and take it down for them. Hopefully our youth will do the same for us someday on a spaceship 50 odd years down the road.
11.Window trumps all
We all know, middle is the worst. Technically good plane etiquette states the middle has the rights to the arm rests. They got the shitty seat, they get the arm rests. This never ever happens, so unless the person is extremely Texas style overweight and blooming into you, everyone will play armrest free-for-all. That being said, middle is worse case scenario, avoid it at all costs. If you didn’t want to pay the $20-$30 premium seat selection fees, which I personally feel is worth it on any flights over 5 hours, be sure to check-in 24 hours in advance and grab yourself a window or an isle. I’m a window guy, I have broad shoulders, which often get bumped and/or someone accidently puts their hand on your head instead of the back of your seat and they struggle to the bano. “yes, but aisle has easier access the bathroom”. Well the closer you are to the window the more rights you have to wake people to get out if and when nature calls. Another reason window trumps aisle and middle, all the gravol in the world isn’t going to save you from someone interrupting your precious beauty sleep..
LET’S RECAP THE ROMANTIC HITLIST:
Headphones and Earplugs
Sanuks
Spy’s and an eye mask
A credit card for a snack attack
Booze, drugs and chill out tracks
A light hoodie for snuggling with yourself
A day pack with all the necessities in case your baggage gets lost it happens 1/5 of the time
Room for your day pack and first to sit with the window.
Enjoi
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